“When it comes down to it at the end of the day if we can look in the mirror and be okay and accepting of the person who is looking back at us it won’t matter what others think or say.” (Excerpt from a friends email)
A high school friend privately reached out to me after he saw my inital post friday on Facebook, and I’ve been sharing about some of my struggles and issues, being open about my attempt, and how I’m choosing to share and not to share. For some people in my life, it’s a fine line, more on that another day.
After reading the email, that sentence in particular it was like I could see bits and peices of the last three years, how I had become secluded from my own life. I was hiding from myself so much that I would hardly look in the mirror. I’m not a vain person, but I never had any real self esteem issues either. The point is, I didn’t like who was looking back at me. I was so ashamed of her, of who she was, what she did, of her inability to stay in the fight, she was a quitter!
After I had overdosed I had so much self hate, guilt and an overall sadness. My normal personality was outgoing and friendly, but that part of me had disappeared. I allowed myself to become so closed off from friends, and refused to allow new ones into my life. I didn’t even want to be my own friend. If we cannot accept and love ourselves, it’s impossible to let others in to love us.
Reality check, I’m human! I’m not proud of the choice I made that night, but it has shaped me into the person I am now. I have a story to tell, a voice that I want people to hear, relate to and accept me for who I am. I attempted to end my life, but thats what I did, not who I am!
This was taken to show my husband a shirt I tried on, and wanted his opinion. I’m sharing this because I can look in the mirror now, smile and begin to love myself again. That’s a victory!