“You were willing to go to your grave because of her… This was presented to me in a conversation with a high school friend who’s now a therapist. Almost three years later and reading those words, well I’d honestly never looked at it quite like that.
I’d spent the majority of my adult life trying to be anything that was the opposite of my her. As a child, she and I had never had a close relationship, we couldn’t see eye to eye on anything. This went beyond terrible twos or teenage angst. It didn’t change as I got older, and it just seemed create a larger gap in our “relationship”.
I recall more times than I can count empty threats of suicide, even at my young age I knew it was for attention. “I’m going to the beach”, was a common phrase while I was growing up. It almost became a joke, even after my OD, it still was. Maybe that’s insensitive, but I’ve got 40+ years of dealing with the lunacy, and I’ve had to fight against this reaction in my life when things just became too hard. Judge me if you must, but you’ve never walked in my shoes!
After I was married when things were difficult, it was often my go to. I hated that about myself because I was demonstrating similar traits, and that made me more angry. I didn’t want to be anything like her, ever! I’ve sat on the edge of the bathtub with a razor blade trying to get the courage to cut my wrist, grazing the blade against my legs. I’ve sat on the bathroom floor with a handgun trying to work up the nerve, if you will, to end my pain. All the while my husband pleading with me not to do it. All she managed was a “book and a beach”, but her words and empty threats made a huge impression on how I dealt with a crisis in my own life. Children live what they learn.
That night I’d had enough, everything had went so far south, I decided in that moment that I would not be like her. I wouldn’t make empty threats, I would do the one thing she always threatened; I would end my life, not just cry wolf!
You were willing to go to your grave because of her… Yea, I guess in an effort to be nothing like her, sadly I was!
This is not a blame game, I fully own what I did. The thoughts and actions I’ve had before, during and after are mine to own, but what we see and hear will inevitably shape us. For me, it wasn’t a one time feeling, and I cannot say I won’t have those negative thoughts again. What I can say, is now at 43, I’m willing to work on myself enough to value my existance and contribution to the world.