What does it say about someone when they cry?
I use to think my tears were viewed as a sign of weakness, maybe to some they are just that – a sign of someone who can’t deal with what life is throwing at them.
In the last two weeks I found myself close to tears about 75% of my day. My spouse, Doug was getting ready to deploy and I’ve never had a deployment as an empty nester; so at number six, I’m flying solo! So when I would think of how much I’ll miss him, I get misty eyed. When I think about no one around most of my day, I get anxious.
But what does it really mean when I am home alone and cry? What does it mean when I talk to someone and mention Doug’s deployment and I get choked up? I no longer see myself as a weak person, but a spouse who is in a major shift in her life, and walking into uncharted (for me) territory. The only difference with me than some other spouses, I’m a suicide attempt survivor. I’ve dealt with depression and suicidal ideation more than I like to think about, but at this stage in my life I freely admit.
I am honored to be asked to speak at the Out of the Darkness walk this year, but I’ve never been to one without Doug by my side. He’ll be here in spirit and I know he’ll be praying for and supporting me from a distance. There is a part of me that is excited to go at it without him, to prove to myself that I can do it; at some point it’s okay to take off the training wheels and take this life I’m living on a spin by myself. I am excited to know that there are amazing spouses, mentors, and friends from our coffee group that will be there with me for the walk. To look into the crowd and see familiar faces will help keep me energized!
I find comfort in my tears where I once saw weakness. It shows love for the life I have now. Most of all the tears show how much I have grown and evolved to know there is no shame or weakness in my tears. Not everyone knows the journey I have walked to really appreciate the beauty of showing I’m a human being; I am living with real, raw emotions. It took me a long time to be okay with that and I don’t plan on going back to hiding my tears anytime soon.
I have found for me it’s about perspective, about not overthinking what I cannot change and about finding the silver lining in a sometimes rainy cloud. I have thought many times… what if?? What if I told someone how depressed I was, what if I did not attempt suicide that night… I could what if myself to oblivion, but the truth is that night has made me the woman I am today, and she is someone I am proud of!
Please consider donating to my Out of the Darkness Walk this year and help me reach my fundraising goals to #StopSuicide